someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
