I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
