So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize