My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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