I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
