happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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