No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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