I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
