WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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