I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
