I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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