People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
