She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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