No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Never underestimate the power of titties
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
