I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
