I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
My pussy is not your playground.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Randomize
