He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
