and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
