He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
