im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Randomize
