If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Randomize
