Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
This is classic penis vs brain.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
