Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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