I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
