it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
