I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
