hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
