haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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