I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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