I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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