At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
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