theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize