I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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