I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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