I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Drunk is a universal language darling
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