Umm I'm too high to move.
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
