You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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