The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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