did you get engaged???
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize