if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
