Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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