The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
