I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
