We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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