I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
