I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
