"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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