I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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