Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
