you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Holy sore nipples Batman
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
