I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
