I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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