sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I look excited, but its just a facade.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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