I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Randomize
