I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize