i just had sex bonerless
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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