can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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