Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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