Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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