It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
