i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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