we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize