I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Randomize
