Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Someone stole a lamp last night.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
