i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
