my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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