How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Randomize
