Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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